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College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”