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the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
always be there
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston