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[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.