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[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
It’s that simple 👊🏻
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I’m already scared
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?