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If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower