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Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!