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“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.