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My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.