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Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
i now pronounce you bounced.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.