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Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
