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Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
If you know, you know
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”