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Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.