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Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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