You Might Also Like
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
my proudest tweet
