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I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
See..?
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“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them