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Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…