You Might Also Like
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
Seas the day!!!!
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.