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[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
cry laughing at this shit
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.