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Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
We are the people our parents warned us about.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU