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Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best