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Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Meeeee too!
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.