Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

rapatouille

Mmmm. Shoeshi

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous