Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:

Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

The French word for sex is croissant.

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

Mummies are just super modest zombies