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My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
WWE is French for “yes”
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Where’s my employee discount too?
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.