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[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!