Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?