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beware of dog
(jukin media)
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
relationship goals
I don’t hate children, just yours.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok