︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
You Might Also Like
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…