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When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
There is no “ea” in Tim.