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I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.