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watching gymnastics
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red