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The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
buying dead houseplants to save time
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
The biggest mystery of our time
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑