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Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
spot the difference
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]