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*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.