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*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?