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50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
always be there
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.