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Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
notice
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Happy Friday
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
when there are deer in the woods
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.