︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
You Might Also Like
At least try to make it slightly believable
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
The government even made aliens boring
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here