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I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
This is enough internet for the day.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?