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DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Blew my mind.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro