. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
You Might Also Like
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
My whole life was a lie.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs