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I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
something like this could probably happen to anyone
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.