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*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor