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Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*