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It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
translated into Canadian
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
*me flirting
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers