Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.