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“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.