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[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.