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Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.