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The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.