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Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I love it
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard