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me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Breaking news:
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
⛄️
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that