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May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!