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Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Happy Meal.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.