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ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I am a gravy boat captain
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.