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Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
as is their right
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”