Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?