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Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
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