︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
You Might Also Like
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.