i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
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I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …