Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.