Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

👍

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.