Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

The 6 types of sex

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

Already got one

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

I get distracted pretty eas

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”