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Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Can Happiness buy money?
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
