🇺🇸🤭
You Might Also Like
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
*aggressively waits in line*
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Kermit goes Blue.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.