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Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I was bored.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.