Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

The funk soul brother

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

Now who done made this a sport lmao

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

Guys, I found it.

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.