Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized