Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

😂💯

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

Cop: Describe the man.
Me: He’s wearing Espadrilles and a Lenny Kravitz scarf.
Cop: And what’s your complaint?
Me: I just told you.

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

grandpa was shocked

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit