Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

*files a restraining order against reality*

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns