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Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
OMG 🤣🤣
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic