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You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom