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Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Yes 😂
