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A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
time for some seasonal decor
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
guys I’m going home
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it