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My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
All set.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
📽️movie date🎞️
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down