๐๐ท๏ธ๐
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The moon is in my awful neighborโs backyard. Girl, heโs the worst. What are you doing?
Maybe itโs love, or maybe she just canโt unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Iโve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and Iโve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? ๐
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, โOk so, how old were you when it was born?โ
So if anyone asks, I guess Iโm 4 billion and 40 years old.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Iโm giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
Iโm the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarmโ
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy thatโs a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words