Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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ME: Oh no.

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

☠️

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum