Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

Camping tip: No.

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

ㅤ

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

How it started How it’s going

Added some new forms of payment to this store…